| Shut the fuck up already |
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| 12:31am 21/12/2004 |
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mood:  pissed off
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They say things happen for a reason, but what reason is that?
I fuckn hate everything right now. I hate my job (that's a given), I hate my friends, I hate my family, I hate myself, I hate the people I haven't even met. I just hate everything. I feel like I could slit my throat and nobody would care or even blink. Maybe I should try it just to see.
We're supposed to have some alone time tomorrow. SUPPOSED to. Why do I have a feeling it's not going to happen? He'll probably change his mind last minute, lead me on and then stop, or get bored of me, or even worse sick of me. Or he'll bring a friend over or get side-tracted. Why am I even fuckn thinking about this? What difference would it make? None. I don't know anymore. I just don't fuckin know. If he was at his own house, I wouldn't be having this problem, would I? No, I wouldn't. Why? Because he'd be by himself. But he's not at his house. He's with a bunch of people, and I can just see him bringing someone over to my house to go and "hang out" or some fuckn shit. I just fuckn give up. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing fuckin does. |
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-Let it all out!- |
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| Dedicated to Max |
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| 08:39pm 25/11/2004 |
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I've been hornier than I've ever been for some reason. WHY?! I don't get it. Last night was fantabulous. Wow. Some juicy fun. Haha. Umm... that's enough on that topic.
I haven't posted on this name for a long time which is a good thing, for the most part. School is goin good, friends are goin.... eh, could be better, coworkers are going alright, I love the new people, my health is going down... again (what the fuck?! I was just sick!), Max and I are going great. Speaking of which, I think I'm gunna add a bunch of pics of us together that I have on my computer that are PG-Rated.
( 11 months of history... ) |
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-2 Screams - Let it all out!- |
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| I feel pathetic crying over realizing happy things... |
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| 04:36pm 11/09/2004 |
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My life has changed so much in the last 10 months, and mostly for the better. I'm with an absolutely wonderful man who loves me, snaps me back into reality, understands me, knows me better than I know myself, and sees me as an awesome, sweet, and beautiful person. He makes me feel so wanted and needed in this world and gives me hope when I've lost all of what I had. He's saved me so many times from doing the stupidest things to myself just by three small words that can change a person's life forever. What more can I ask for? We're so different but so much alike, and completely in love. He makes me cry, makes me laugh, makes me feel good about myself. Fuck, I'm crying right now just by thinking about everything he's done for me. In a good way, though. I've given myself to him and he's given himself to me. It's just so wonderful and gorgeous, and despite our differences, we still love each other so much and keep going. I don't know what I would have done without him. Max, I love you so much and I always will, no matter what. I hope you know that. Thank you so much for everything you've done for me.
On top of the love of my life, I go to an awesome church that surrounds me with people who love and appreciate me and helps me love and appreciate myself more and more. It helps me cope with everything and makes everything just go away.
My attitude hasn't been the greatest, which is the only bad thing. However, while people see it as a bad thing, I cherish my anger. It keeps me from getting hurt and helps me defend what's right. It erases my fear of standing up to people when someone is being put down.
My depression and hatred for myself and the world has been getting better. My thoughts have gotten more under control than they were before. Max knows I'm trying, and he's acknowledged it.
My relationship with my parents has gone up and down, but at least they know where I stand and we get over things quickly.
I have a job now, which gives me more of a feeling of independence because I can buy things for myself, which is something I've always wanted. I'm more dependent on myself and not so much my parents. They still pay for things that I can't pay for, but only the bigger things.
I'll be out of highschool soon. I'm sure the year will go by faster than any of us think it will.
Goodness, life is great. It makes me all teary-eyed. Heh. -sigh- I'm looking forward to living life on my own and doing things my own way and struggling to get things done. Why? Because I'll be independant.
Max, you are one of the greatest things that have come into my life and I will cherish all that you have done for me forever. I love you so much. |
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-Let it all out!- |
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| Rejection can only do so much... |
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| 10:24pm 21/07/2004 |
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mood:  rejected
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Some things just piss me off. I don't know if it's becaue it's that time of the month or if I have a reason to feel totally and completely rejected. But whatever. You know what? Just fuck it. Just fuck the whole fuckn world and all the anger and lies that it brings. Just fuck it. It's not worth it. But maybe it is... |
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-Let it all out!- |
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| Tips for myself and everyone around me... |
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| 12:02am 16/07/2004 |
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HOW TO STAY YOUNG
Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers license.
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
-Anonymous |
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-Let it all out!- |
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| 08:55pm 28/05/2004 |
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Sometimes life just gets to the point to where you realize "where the fuck AM I going?"
... just wondering where I am in life and what's next for me... if anything at all :-/ |
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-Let it all out!- |
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| whoo... realization... go me... |
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| 08:34pm 27/05/2004 |
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I made a new discovery. People constantly dislike me or just don't give a shit about me like I don't even exist or whatever, until they come to a point that they really need someone. Something happens to me and I need someone to talk to about it. Who cares? No one. Something happens to one of my so called "friends" where everyone is against them or whatever except for me (or even if I am pissed at them), and who do they go to first? Moi, bien sur. It's like I'm the person who everyone goes to when they need someone to lean back on. Not before, of course, just then. I'm "last in line." And, being the nice person I am, I accept them. I greet them with open arms and then comfort them when they need comforting even though they never did so to me. For example: My best friend and I were in a huge argument. Weren't talking to each other at all. Told each other that our friendship was over. I get a call with her crying because her parents got into a huge fight and involved her in it. She was upset, of course. She said she wanted us to be friends again or whatever. She needed someone to lean back on. And she chose me. Another example: A friend is being a total bitch to me. She hates me. I "crossed the line." Something happens, she needs someone to lean back on. Who does she call? Me. What kind of a fucked up world am I living in? |
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-Let it all out!- |
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| 04:00am 08/04/2004 |
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Woohoo!
I miss him a bit too much. Is that possible? |
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-Let it all out!- |
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